“We are much more interested in developing self-expression than we are in developing selves that are worth expressing.” Matthew Kelly – Off Balance
When I read the above quote, it stopped me in my tracks. Instead of moving on to the next sentence I stopped and I pondered what I had just read. All in one instance I was moved, perplexed, and a highly caught off guard. I probably repeated this one sentence over and over in my head at least 50 times, as I tried to find the real meaning behind it. You see, to me, it felt like such a grand statement, much more than a mere sentence.
It’s true though, isn’t it?
Some people join movements, causes, and fight against society as a form f self-expression. I get it, if you didn’t know this about me, I was all into the punk rock scene as a kid. So angry self-expression, I get. Which is why I can speak on this with confidence and multiple viewpoints.
When I was more concerned with my own self-expression I was certainly not concerned with developing a self that was worth expressing. Not at all. I generated an outward appearance and persona to make people think that I was tough, unique, musically inclined, and a bit mysterious.
Y’all, I wasn’t any of those things.
I wasn’t tough, on the inside I was constantly crying or angry. Unique? How is trying to fit into a certain category unique at all?
Bought a guitar, sucked at it. I mostly used it to piss off my parents. Mysterious, maybe… but still a stretch. More like I didn’t know myself very well so no one else did either.
I, of course, didn’t realize most of this at the time. At the time I just wanted to fit in with those who “got me” even though I didn’t “get me”.
I hadn’t developed a self-worth expressing back then but I’m willing to cut teenage me a break. Most kids that age are lost in some way and if they weren’t then they would be skipping a right of passage and that just wouldn’t be fair.
You know like the 13-year-old girls who know how to do their hair and makeup better than the rest of us? They are supposed to be awkward looking with glittery eyeshadow like we did. The right of passage.
Anyway, I just wish people would realize that they don’t have to fit into everyone else’s ideas of the way they should be or live. How boring is that?
I may not have it all figured out but one thing I can say with honesty is that I felt a much grander sense of liberation when I stepped into myself than when I was trying to fit into a certain niche’ in society.
When I started my journey of self-improvement and healing, I wasn’t thinking about anything but getting happy. I wasn’t planning to become a professional medium or even tell people about the work I was doing behind the scenes. In the process however of healing myself, I discovered myself.
I became happier, good things started happening for me, and for the first time, I didn’t feel like I didn’t fit in because I no longer felt the need too.
All of my life I’ve had a lot of friend’s, so I’m not 100% sure of where that feeling of not fitting in came from but still it was there. Now, in all my weirdness and its glory, I have the best friend’s a girl could ask for, who woulda thunk it?
Still, it took me a while to come out of the psychic closet but finally I was being true to myself and understood who I was. I developed a self that was worth expressing.
A few weeks ago I had an artist date while the little one hung out with my parents. In case you didn’t know (because I didn’t, my sister had to tell me about it) an artist date is when you take yourself on a date. Food, drinks, something fun that you wouldn’t normally do.
So I went to an old bar that I used to frequent when I was younger (aka they didn’t always check ID’s and we had friends that worked there). I haven’t been there in years but I remembered they had a nice patio on the water so I went to get some food and work a little bit in the sunshine.
As I edited an article a familiar face came up to me, someone I had known since I was 12 years old. She filled me in on her current pregnancy and asked what I was up to these days.
I could have told her I’m a blogger, a life-coach, or do website design and been done with it. Instead, I said,
“well, we haven’t seen each other in a long time, Suzanne. You know how some people find their talents later in life? I found mine a few years ago and now I run a psychic development blog. I don’t always tell people exactly what I do but I’m realizing I need to be honest with myself and those around me, so there it is.”
I waited for the usual questions people ask out of discomfort or for her to quickly walk away but she didn’t. It was like nothing to her, seriously. I could have just told her I was an accountant and I feel like there would have been no difference in her reaction. It was great!
“Why wouldn’t you tell people? This stuff is quickly becoming the norm, maybe not here in hicksville, Virginia but I think it’s cool. Who cares? You’re helping people and if anyone has a problem with that then tell them to take it somewhere else.”
I was shocked but in a good way. For the first time since I started all of this, it was finally just like any other job to someone. She didn’t ask a million questions and she didn’t give me her own insight or experiences. It just was what it was and I liked that.
Life is so much better when you just are who you are. Let yourself be, quit judging yourself and the path you’re on. Find yourself. Figure out what YOU like to do, how YOU like to dress, do the type of work that feeds your soul.
It takes a lot of courage to be who you are…psychic medium, gay, the black sheep of the family. Coming from someone who has been there, I can attest that the self-work you put in is well worth the equity you get back.
The universe loves to reward those who are rewarding themselves and what is more rewarding than embracing your true self?